There are several types of abusive relationships that have impacted a person’s emotional and mental health. One of these types of relationships we don’t examine too often is narcissistic abuse. This form of emotional abuse happens when the abuser only cares about him or herself. This person may use words or actions to manipulate their partner’s behavior or emotional actions.
A person could potentially endure lifelong mental health damage from being in this type of relationship. Narcissistic abuse doesn’t only occur in couple relationships. It could also occur amongst family relationships. There are many suffering from this type of abuse from their own siblings and parents. What are the signs of sibling narcissism? Can you forgive a family member who inflicted narcissistic abuse on you? Why is a sibling the target of abuse?
Herschenia A. Brown, Founder & CEO of Mind over Matters, a Division of HSAB Group, LLC and Best-selling & Award-Winning Author, who goes by the pen name Aria Craig, answers these questions and chatted with me this week about how narcissistic abuse impacts your mental health and life and how she is helping people reclaim their mental state after suffering from this abuse.
How much does narcissistic abuse impact women? Which age group is impacted the most?
While I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist and have not done this type of research to determine any statistics on the age group for the types of narcissism, I have talked to various women about their experiences with narcissistic abuse. It seems like it impacts them more than it does men. I do know one man in particular who is experiencing it, but he doesn’t know that he is. But, in terms of the feedback that I have received, it’s mostly been women who have been in romantic relationships and trying to figure out why they keep attracting these types of men.
What are the early signs of this form of abuse?
The early signs from what I have seen are more so with people who are in a relationship and they see odd behavior. It’s like they can’t explain what’s going on with the other person and they just know that it is not typical behavior. For instance, someone who is an enigma or you really can’t figure them out. Or someone who is a pathological liar. I just want to say from what I’ve done in my research, narcissism isn’t just one behavior. It’s a myriad of characteristics and behavior patterns. So for example, someone who is a pathological liar isn’t always considered a narcissist. But if this behavior is coupled with other behavioral practices of narcissism, then you could pretty much suspect that person is a narcissist. A professional would have to diagnose the person, but you would become aware of it. Gaslighting is an obvious sign of narcissism. This person makes you feel like you didn’t believe what you just saw or heard. So you’re thinking you’re going crazy. It’s like you’re going through these verbal gymnastics or psychological gymnastics. So you’re trying to understand what just happened. Or trying to get a clear-cut answer to a question. And then they turn it back on you and make it seem like you’re the one who’s the problem. Or the way that you’re processing or interpreting the situation is on you. And now you’re blaming yourself trying to figure out what did and they just took the responsibility and accountability off themselves. They are also master manipulators. It’s almost like they’re similar to con artists. They are skilled at manipulating people and situations. They’re also irresponsible with money. Pretty much, everything has to be about them. The attention has to be on them, because they’re so insecure about themselves. Getting attention from other people is like validation for them. It’s like they put on this false representation of how they really are because they want others to believe a fraudulent perception of them.
Why do you think a sibling in a family is a target of narcissistic abuse?
Well, I can say from my own experience with narcissistic abuse that I did some reflection and ironically I used to compare my ex-husband to my sibling. Their behavior and character were so very similar. So when it comes to understanding growing up in a household with a sibling, I’m not sure if she knows that she is, but I definitely have determined over the years that she is. I didn’t know what it was back then. All I know is that there was some odd behavior with her. I couldn’t put it into a category or give it a definition until learning more about what narcissistic personality disorder after dealing with the same behavior from my ex-husband.
As for the sibling being a narcissist, I only know a few people who I had befriended who have siblings who are narcissists. The desire is to detract the attention from any other sibling. For me, it came about from favoritism in my household. That was what some people may call a “generational curse” that we had in my family. We had a lot of great moments in my family. But, when certain problems in the family are causing generational trauma, then conversations need to be had to put an end to the “curse”.
In my household, my sibling was getting all the attention and favor from my mother. When you’re in a position where you getting the benefit of that, you’re not going to have anything to say. You’re not going to get your other siblings on board and say, “Listen, mom you’re not givings her any attention.” This is because you’re getting all the benefits. That was a huge issue that carried me all the way into adulthood, because I felt I didn’t get the type of attention and affection that I felt I deserve from my mother. She really put my sister on a pedestal and other people saw it. This wasn’t just a thing that I was noticing.
With my sibling, there was no accountability. There was a lot of brushing under the rug and trying to excuse the behavior. As she got older, she became used to our mother covering for her. She’d become used to being disrespectful and getting away with it – not being accountable.
From your observations, have you seen narcissistic abuse impact other adults just like it has impacted you?
Yes, the few people that I know that have siblings that are narcissists barely talk to them. However, some people I’ve met have tried to meet their siblings from where they are. They do check on their siblings to see how they are doing and stay a little more involved with them. They know if they get too involved, it will be too much of a problem or a negative influence for them. I don’t suggest to anybody to completely sever your relationship with your sibling unless you feel it’s in your best interest. You go however far in your relationship with them that sits well with your soul. If that involves meeting them where they are, calling on them and checking to see how they’re doing. If you just take it as a grain of salt whenever you’re interacting with them then that’s up to you.
In my situation, it was way deeper. It was a good idea for me to let go to sustain my peace of mind. But for some people, they will do whatever sits well with them in order to sustain theirs.
You have a new novel coming out entitled My Sister’s Keepers in the Fall of this year. What impact do you hope it will have on those who have experienced this issue? Is it loosely based on your life?
I’m glad you asked that. I’m trying to release it in the fall. It’s looking like it might be in the winter because I’m still working on the last touches of the manuscript to send to the editor. It is a fiction novel, but it is inspired by true events. There’s not a character in the novel that is mentioned. Every character is based off of a couple of different people, whether they are real people or characters I’ve seen on TV that I have admired on a show. The novel is fiction but some of the situations are based on true events that I massaged for fictional purposes. It was important for me to put the emotion behind it, because I need people to identify with what the characters are feeling in each situation.
What I want people to learn from the book is actually in the ending – it is basically the lessons learned. It’s important that readers learn how to identify narcissism. Learn if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and why you’re even entertaining this person to begin with. Having some sort of reflection to understand yourself; well, actually assessing yourself as to why you attracted this type of person, whatever type of relationship it is – whether it is a friendship, a romantic relationship, whatever the case may be. For me, I had to look deep inside and realize I had empathy. I continued to massage a relationship with someone who I knew wasn’t operating in my best interest or even in his own. And like I said, learning about the other relationships that I had growing up, I made the connection and thought, “Oh, now I get it!” It took me all these years to understand it. I had to figure out what I needed to do moving forward so that I did not entertain another person with this type of behavior ever again. My book also helps with how to heal from narcissistic abuse.
Where can people access or purchase this book?
The manuscript has to go through several rounds of editing. Then I’ll determine whether I’m going to self-publish (like I did my other books) or pitch it to traditional publishers since this is my first fiction book. It took me a couple of years to understand how to break it down, because it is different. It’s not a self-help book. It’s not a children’s book. Those are the two types of books I have written before. With fictional books, you have to understand plotting. So, once I complete the editing process, then I’ll know what direction to go. I will keep everybody in the know on social media and anybody who signs up for my newsletter.
I do want to mention something that you mentioned earlier about forgiveness. This is also in my book- forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciling. You can forgive someone. You have to forgive to really free yourself from the pain, not really them. We have grown up to think that forgiveness means you’re excusing that person’s behavior. That’s not true! You are basically relieving yourself from the hurt and the pain, so that it no longer controls you. You can be free of it and move forward. You don’t have to necessarily reconcile with somebody if you know it’s not in your best interest to do so. Or if you do continue to remain in the relationship, on what level do you choose to maintain it? You have to think about how it sits well with you.
For more information about Brown and her other books, which she writes under the pen name Aria Craig, visit her website at https://habrownadr.com/Aria.
[…] to them acting disrespectfully to their siblings. As they become adults, they become used to the parent covering for them and never hold themselves […]